


Four loves that never were (and one that was)

by Melacka



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 02:52:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14010567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melacka/pseuds/Melacka
Summary: Elizabeth Keen has loved a few people in her life.Four glimpses of what might have been and one that definitely was.





	Four loves that never were (and one that was)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own The Blacklist or these characters, unfortunately.

**i. Aram Mojtabai**

Aram Mojtabai is a joy to behold.

Liz never thought that she could be with someone who was so persistently cheerful without being driven insane. She'd had a feeling for a while that she was just a little too damaged, that she shouldn't have such a normal, happy relationship. Especially not with someone so openly affectionate, so clearly in love, but that's exactly what she has with him. Aram has such pure joy in life that she finds impossible to resist. He makes her believe that happiness is possible.

_(He makes her feel like she deserves it.)_

Aram is fiercely loyal and very protective of her. He never gets in the way of her job but he worries quietly. Unobtrusively. He's isn’t over-bearing about it and Liz is glad that she never has to take the time to hold his hand and bring him around to the reality of her life. She used to think that she would feel smothered by his care for her but instead she just feels loved. Her loyalty to her partner has always been a defining factor of her relationships. She knows that she's had a problem with staying loyal to people even when it hurts her, but it's not a problem with Aram.

_(She's finally found someone who deserves her loyalty.)_

Aram loves to take care of her. He does it so much that Liz doesn't think twice about it anymore. She doesn't question his motives, she knows that he just wants her to be happy. She does, however, keep waiting for it to get old, for him to tire of her awkward attempts at reciprocation, but Aram continues to smile at her like she's the only person he's ever wanted. She knows that isn't true, of course. Aram has made no secret of his long-standing crush on Samar and the handful of other girlfriends he's had before her. Oddly enough, Liz isn't bothered by any of this at all and she is blessedly free from the toxic jealousy that so poisoned her relationships with other men.

_(She trusts Aram completely.)_

When Aram takes her to meet his family, she’s petrified. She’s faced down some of the worst that the world has to offer and yet the idea of meeting the people who raised Aram, who helped shape the wonderful man that he has become, fills her with a nervous energy that has her practically vibrating in her car seat. She doesn’t do well with families. When he notices her panic, because of course he does, he pulls her gently against his chest and hugs her tight. He tells her that she has nothing to worry about and reminds her that she doesn’t have to meet them if she’s not ready. That’s all she needed. Knowing that the choice is hers to make means that she can make it easily. She grabs his hand and kisses his cheek, whispers _I’m ready now_. She walks into that restaurant with her head held high.

_(She’d be ready to face anything with him by her side.)_

Aram is a feeder. He loves to bake cakes and cookies and anything he thinks will tempt her to eat. She's still too inclined towards overwork and occasionally has to be reminded that _food is fuel, Liz_ or that paperwork can wait a little while _just while you eat this, Liz, come on_. She playfully rolls her eyes and grumbles about over-bearing boyfriends but inside she is almost bursting with love and gratitude. She is so grateful that someone so joyful, so sweet, so _pure_ could find someone like her worthy.

_(Aram hates it when she doubts herself.)_

Her very favourite part about life with Aram is the way that his whole face just lights up when she tells him that she loves him. He acts as if he's the luckiest guy in the world to have her but Liz knows better, of course.

_(Liz knows that she's the lucky one.)_

_* * * * *_

**ii. Samar Navabi**

Samar Navabi is everything that she herself wants to be.

Loving Samar is about respect. Samar respects herself and she respects Liz. Samar never pushes her for more than she can give and Liz is grateful every day. They've both been betrayed by people they loved and their cautious and distrustful natures nearly stopped them from pursuing a relationship at all. Liz didn't even realise that what she was feeling for Samar was attraction, at first. She just thought that she was finally developing a bond with another woman and she just happened to find her gorgeous. And smart. And dangerous. And sexy. Liz loves to list all of the things she finds most compelling about Samar, enjoying the way they can laugh about her naïveté now.

_(Of course she was attracted to Samar, she'd just never let herself see it.)_

Samar and Liz are navigating their sexuality together. Neither of them have been with women before and Liz frequently feels like they don't really know what they're doing. She feels like a teenager all over again, like she's discovering her body and her heart for the first time. Samar is patient with her but is clearly amused by her need to conduct a same-sex relationship correctly. She tries to convince her that there's nothing to be afraid of and their relationship doesn't need to fit a particular mould for it to work. Samar thinks that as long as they're happy together, everything else is immaterial. Liz is just terrified that she'll disappoint her.

_(Liz can't imagine life without her any more.)_

They spend most of their time together but are also very careful to have time apart as well. Liz can still be withdrawn and has never responded well to constant intimacy. Samar understands this because she's exactly the same. Liz loves coming home to her after time away, usually with some ridiculous tales about her latest adventure with Red. She talks against Samar's mouth while she kisses her hello, impatient to tell her everything but also really wanting to just pin her to the couch and kiss her for hours. Samar is usually open to either option but if she has a preference, she will definitely let Liz know. Liz has never been in a relationship with a partner who was so willing to communicate with her.

_(She tries to return the favour but it's still so hard to open herself up like that.)_

She is frequently surprised by how unexpectedly soft, tactile and loving Samar is. Samar loves to spoon her while they're sleeping, pressing soft kisses to her shoulders and the back of her neck. Liz used to feel slightly claustrophobic when sharing a bed with a man, but with Samar she just snuggles in closer. She can't get over how well their bodies fit together. She feels comforted by Samar's presence and loves to be close to her, even if she does have to occasionally remind herself to try harder and show more affection.

_(Liz desperately wants Samar to know how much she means to her.)_

Samar is unembarrassed in her love for Liz. She isn't ashamed to be with her and this helps to mend something inside of Liz that she wasn't even aware was broken. Liz has spent so much of her life questioning herself, wondering who and where she came from, who she really was before she became Elizabeth Scott Keen. Samar doesn't care who she _was_ , she cares who she _is_. Liz is finally learning to like who she is again, regaining that sense of self that she was worried she’d lost forever.

_(Samar never doubted her for a moment.)_

_* * * * *_

**iii. Jacob Phelps**

Jacob Phelps makes her believe in forgiveness.

She is cautious with him now, in a way that she never thought to be before. She knows how badly he can hurt her, how destructive they have been to each other in the past. Sometimes she wishes that she didn't love him, she knows that it would so much easier for her if she didn't. She's thankful that the clawing, desperate feelings that she used to have for him have disappeared over time. The love she feels for him now has settled into something quieter. Kinder. Jacob wants her to know just how much she means to him, tries to convey how sorry he is with his actions. She's glad he's stopped apologising for their previous relationship.

_(She couldn't handle the constant reminder of who she used to be.)_

He's not a teacher any more but an independent contractor for a private security firm. Liz accepts that he needs something more than banal domesticity and encourages him to be honest about what he wants. Liz enjoys going home to him now, knowing that she can talk about work and have someone to bounce ideas off. Jacob doesn't try to undermine her, not like Tom did. She finally feels like she can dismantle those iron-clad defences that she raised when their marriage imploded. She needs to come to terms with their past so they can build some kind of future together.

_(On her bad days, all she can think about is the past.)_

Jacob teaches her how to be strong. Not strong in a way that she ever really imagined, but strong nonetheless. They run for miles and work out together whenever their schedules allow it. They both need to be at the top of their games and this is one of the best ways they’ve found to consistently have time together. He trains her in various forms of combat, drills her on her knowledge of weaponry, spars with her for hours until she's finally satisfied that she's got it down. They both know what's happening. They both know that he's teaching her how to survive against someone like Tom Keen.

_(Jacob Phelps would never hurt her.)_

She knows that her colleagues worry about her, but they've mostly accepted Jacob as part of her life now. Red is always wary of their relationship but he doesn't try to interfere any more. Liz knows that he's still keeping tabs on Jacob and she is simultaneously pleased and irritated by his concern. The important thing is that she is happy with Jacob. They fit together now, much better than they did before and she has long since given up on seeking other people's approval. He accepts the darker side of her nature and shows her that it's nothing to be ashamed of. She tries hard to accept the reality of his past, she of all people knows that your past can come back to bite you.

_(She honestly can't explain why she loves him. She shouldn't have to explain.)_

They try to be normal for a while but it turns out that normal doesn’t really suit them. They don’t have normal friends, they don’t have normal jobs, they don’t have normal _lives_. Why on earth would they expect their relationship to be normal? The only normal part of their relationship is the fact that they love each other. Deeply. Irrevocably.

_(Nothing else matters.)_

_* * * * *_

**iv. Raymond Reddington**

Raymond Reddington is the very definition of devotion.

They don't acknowledge their relationship at work but everyone knows about it anyway. It's one of the worst kept secrets at the post office that Raymond Reddington loves Elizabeth Keen. It's much less widely known that Elizabeth Keen loves him too. She doesn't even know how it started. They had always spent quite a lot of time together so it's hard for her to pinpoint when they started being something _more_. She's never been entirely sure what they were to each other and she knows that there have always been rumours. Whispers. Innuendos. She tries not to let it bother her. _She_ knows that she's with him because she loves him. She reminds herself that people seem to have only a passing interest in the truth and their relationship has always raised a few eyebrows. She can handle the scrutiny.

_(It's a small price to pay, at least this way she gets to be with him.)_

Red loves to surprise her. He plans elaborate holidays based entirely on made up emergency cases that only she can work on. He leaves gifts for her everywhere and just waits for her to discover them. She finds Belgian chocolates in her desk drawer, a silk scarf in the glove box of her car, a delicate gold bracelet under her pillow, a new winter coat hanging on the door of her closet. Liz has never particularly liked surprises but she loves how much pleasure it gives him. She's still a little uncomfortable with him spending so much money on her. When she tries to broach the subject with him, she expects him to argue or just silently disregard he wishes. Instead, he listens patiently and smiles understandingly. He switches to gifts of a non-material nature, things that don't cost him anything but his time, and she feels like she could burst from the unexpected happiness she gets from it. She's still a little surprised that he would so readily compromise in order to make her happy or to assuage her fears.

_(Red always was one to surprise her, though, and these are the kind of surprises she can handle.)_

It's so much harder for her to surprise him. He's spent his entire adult life preparing for the unexpected and he prides himself on the vast sources of advance information he has at his disposal. While she admires his abilities, and values his skills in a professional context, it makes it damn near impossible for Liz to surprise him in any kind of meaningful way. She decides to keep it simple and sticks to random displays of care and affection. She loves to hug him from behind and press kisses to his neck, just below his ear, delighting in the shudder of pleasure that always seems to race through his frame. She makes a point of holding his hand whenever the opportunity presents itself, whether in the car, while making dinner, sitting quietly together or when they’re in bed. She will drive thirty minutes out of her way to pick up a particular pastry that she knows he loves and stocks her fridge with a much wider range of food than she usually bothers with. When Red tries to thank her for these things, she automatically downplays it. She's still learning how to be with someone who is so unashamedly appreciative of any act of thoughtfulness on her part but he is endlessly patient with her. He loves to find ever more creative ways to demonstrate his appreciation.

_(She's never been happier.)_

The day she presents him with a key to her apartment, she's nervous. Afraid of showing too much. Afraid that she's more invested in their relationship than he is. She tries to play it cool, casually handing him the key as they're about to head out for dinner. Makes a seemingly offhand comment about him not needing to break in any more. She averts her eyes as she tells him that he's always welcome. He takes the key from her slightly-shaking hand and places it carefully in his jacket pocket, murmuring a quiet _thank you, Lizzy_ , as he does so. When she can finally bring herself to look him in the eye again, she's met with a look of such naked tenderness and affection, that she can't help but lean forward to kiss him. She tries to put all the love she feels for him in that kiss.

_(She's not afraid any more.)_

_* * * * *_

**v. Donald Ressler**

Donald Ressler is a revelation.

Liz loves to ruffle his perfectly-kept, immaculately-groomed feathers. She delights in slipping a hand up his leg under cover of a table or pressing a hard kiss to his neck to leave a bruise that he can barely hide with his shirt collar. He reciprocates carefully but thoroughly. She never would have guessed that he could be so demonstrative with her, but there are still some boundaries that she's determined to cross. The first time he held her hand in public, she smiled. When he casually put his hand on her back during a briefing, she grinned. The first time he kissed her goodbye in front of Cooper, she _beamed_. He's such a private man so she counts every public display of affection as a victory. She looks forward to the day she can tease him about how badly he wants her that he can't even wait until they're alone.

_(They're not there yet.)_

At first, they were worried about people finding out and they tried to keep their relationship secret. They kept it strictly professional for a while, calling each other Keen and Ressler and generally maintaining an awkward distance with each other. But then Red ruined it with his fond _I'm happy for you, Lizzy_ and his vaguely threatening _be the man she deserves, Donald_. There's not much point trying to keep it secret after that.

_(She should have known that she wouldn't be able to hide it from Red, damn him.)_

Liz has more fun with him than she would've thought possible. He loves to tease her about the value of criminal profiles and she responds by coming up with ever-more ridiculous profiles of him. On the rare occasions when they can get away from the post office, she gets to see what she's dubbed "Fun Don". They go out for long walks, just to see where they end up, attend random sporting events and go see whatever movie happens to be playing when they pass. He encourages her to try new things, to get out of her comfort zone. It’s usually him that suggests on a Friday night that they go away for the weekend ( _come on, Liz, surely you want to see New York at this time of year)_ , drags her along to a new restaurant that’s just opened ( _haven’t you always wanted to try Indonesian?_ ) or to go ice skating on their way home ( _I promise I’ll hold your hand, you won’t fall)_.

_(Fun Don is surprisingly spontaneous.)_

They become a force to be reckoned with at work. There's trust, respect and a certain instinct with each other that can only be achieved with true intimacy. Liz feels like she's earned this tentative peace they've achieved. She's not just Reddington's mouthpiece or the rookie profiler thrust into a field agent's role. She belongs here, with the task force. She loves the good work they do together. She loves that people are finally taking her seriously. She knows that Donald Ressler is a good man, a man that she can admire, a man that she can trust. He makes her want to be a better version of herself than she has been. She's not tortured by the unanswered questions anymore and feels like she's almost ready to let go of her past.

_(She knows that he is her future.)_

**Author's Note:**

> I have organised these stories alphabetically by surname and was deliberately vague about which one actually happened. Think of this as a choose-your-own-endgame fic.


End file.
